Mobile phones: the page of reason

I was dozing blissfully as I travelled home on the train the other evening when a fellow passenger shrilled into her mobile phone.

'I'm on the train!!!'

Now this is, sadly, a situation that all rail passengers will be only too familiar with. And most, I can tell from the angry grunts and shuffles that follow, hate it.

But as I listened attentively to the rest of the puerile conversation - well frankly us iPod-less passengers don't have a choice - I thought to myself: 'Wow.'

Either this person was dogged by that heady mix of innate selfish disregard for fellow human beings and wilful lack of self control, or - and I was prepared to believe this lie for the sake of my sanity - she was exercising the right of individual freedom and choice as a way of interpreting herself in relation to the world.

(It's funny how your mind works when there's a really annoying git in front of you).

In other words she was a fully paid-up devotee of Søren Kierkegaard, Friedrich Nietzsche and Jean Paul Satre, living out her fantasy on the 17.10. Yep - an existentialist.

Just then, a loud man in a stripy suit at the other end of the carriage revealed that he too existed as a free agent in a deterministic and seemingly meaningless universe. And more importantly was 'on a train!!!'.

Then another. And another.

And before I knew it I was at the centre of an entire philosophical movement evolving before my very ears just outside Clapham Junction. And I began to feel left out. You see, not only do I not have an iPod, but I don't have a mobile phone either. Not one for personal use at any rate.

By the time I got home the urge to learn more was overwhelming and I forced myself to spend quality time poring over the latest offers in the StuffUmustHave brochure.

FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!

You can, it said, get a mobile phone for nothing. And while this is, technically, true, it doesn't take long - just a decent magnifying glass - to realise that the free telephone actually costs a million pounds a year once you've added up the costs of your call package and completed all the mathematical puzzles hidden in 6pt Helvetica at the foot of the page.

That's a lot of money for the privilege of being able to call people from a train to prove your very existence when ever the urge takes hold.

OK, so I've used a bit of journalistic licence and rounded up the cost to the nearest million pounds but a straw poll of colleagues (designers are the worst offenders) reveals that some are happily spending more than £50 a month on personal mobile calls. That's £600 a year. You can have a week's holiday in the Maldives for less than that at the moment.

Imagine what you could end up with if you invested that £50 a month instead in a long-term savings plan. In fact, we have a long-term savings calculator that will show you.

And it's not just the cost to worry about. Have you read Mike's tale of stupefying incompetence served up by 02?

So as a result of my weekend research and in spite of the so-called January phone sales I will happily continue to live my mobile-phone-free existence. And if you want to get in touch, please fax me on The Maldives 555-12367.

Richard Browning, This is Money

PS. If you do want to contact me with a story for the consumer section of the website, Money Savers, then email is perfectly acceptable. If you are being mistreated by the corporate world, please send details to moneysavers@thisismoney and we'll see whether we can investigate on your behalf.