An alternative guide to... Premium Bonds
As everyone knows, the Premium Bonds were invented by a milkman called Ernie, who was a big Benny Hill fan.
This is perhaps why for many cynics the Premium Bonds are seen as something of a joke - but not a very funny one.
To the average punter, the Premium Bond is a piece of paper with numbers on that you buy at the Post Office. A bit like stamps only these numbers are entered into a big raffle once a month.
(Note: Because most people die of old age and/or boredom and rage before they reach the front of the queue at the Post Office you can now buy them online.)
To everyone else, Premium Bonds are a way of lending money to the Government at an appalling rate of return. But you never know, you might just win a £1m in the big raffle at the end of every month.
However, many people - mainly those who bought £12 of bonds in 1957 and have never won a million pounds - believe the system is fixed.
And the evidence is pretty compelling.
ALMOST FACT #1: Almost all big prizes are won by rich old people who bought their bonds the other day who don't need the money and will be dead before the cheque is handed over.
ALMOST FACT #2: £1m prize winners are always informed of their good fortune in person the day before the announcement. So you can only win if you're in all day on the last day of the month. This also explains why all winners are in their 90s.
ALMOST FACT #3: No one has ever met a £1m prize winner. Because, in fact, there has never been any. It's all a cruel Government stealth tax hoax con.
ALMOST FACT #4: The winning numbers are drawn at random by a machine called Ernie - named after the Hill's fan the milkman, who was later immortalised in the hit song - but look carefully... the bonds are made up of a combination of numbers and letters of differing lenghths. So BY127 is up against TZR127911385. No random number picker is clever enough to randomly pick letters and numbers. But then there is no Ernie.
ALMOST FACT #5: Premium Bonds are run by a secretive branch of MI5, which recently changed its name from The Premium Bonds to NSandI, which stands for National Secrets and Intelligence.
ALMOST FACT #6: Benny Hill died aged 92 alone and unannounced at home in Southampton in his favourite chair. He had just learned he had won £1m on the Premium Bonds and it is believed he was murdered by his jealous grandmother.
ALMOST FACT #7: No one is allowed to see Ernie the number crunching machine picking the numbers. Because there is no Ernie.
ALMOST FACT #8: That's because he's a fictional milkman.
ALMOST FACT #9: Take the £1m challenge. If you have won a million on the Premium Bonds, come on then: post your story in the comment box on this blog. We want the whole lot: how they informed you, how you felt, how far into your 90s you were, how long before you received the cheque, when you bought your bonds, how you spent your winnings, did you ever meet Benny Hill? That kind of thing.
ALMOST FACT #10: If we get no stories then we'll finally know the truth. Because there is no Ernie and no million pounds to give away.
Richard Browning - This is Money
Useful links
Premium Bonds - winning numbers
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I have just read your facts about Premium Bonds. I totally agree regarding old Bonds. I have a very unhappy Bond. This £6 Bond feels neglected. On November 6th he will be 50yrs old, and has yet to be called upon by ERNIE. We are both curious as to how much that £6 would equate to today.
Posted by: Alan Makowski | September 06, 2006 at 09:39 PM
It's a little know fact (unless you are a programmer) that computers do not pick true random numbers!
If you program one to pick 10 random numbers switch it off then run the program again you get the same 10 random numbers!
To get around this you have to enter a random seed (if the computer hasn't done it for you by using the date/time). But if you can enter the same seed you get the same results :D
I think Ernie should be independently tested before each draw to make sure he isn't cheating :P
Don't forget with Premium Bonds you are gambling with your interest! £30,000 at 4.5 per cent would generate £1,350 of interest (excluding tax). If you earned £1350 would you waste it on 1,350 lotto tickets?
Posted by: Ed Thomas | September 20, 2006 at 02:33 PM
My son and I have had a number of Premium Bonds over a long period of time, and only once I have had a small win. We have misplaced my Holders' numbers. How can we find these? And how do we know if we have won anything?
I am also stunned to learn that unclaimed bonds are being sold on e.Bay. Is this right?
Posted by: Bridgit Sam-Bailey | January 31, 2007 at 12:56 AM
the vast majority of people who buy bonds dont have £30,000 to invest.this gives worse odds than playing the lottery.why dont they introduce a two tier system where bonds under £12,000 have a seperate draw and give joe public a least a fighting chance.
Posted by: richard nichols | September 06, 2007 at 12:53 PM
Yes the Premium Bond system is probably fixed to rob the general public in much the same way as inheritance tax.
But as an investment for ********** it is a masterful piece of swizzology!
Long may it last......
Posted by: Sir Archibold Smuggins | September 06, 2007 at 02:04 PM
How come, you can win a major prize with a £5 bond in the Home Counties but have no chance with a £5,ooo bond in Tyne & Wear ?.
Posted by: Neil Wilson | November 14, 2007 at 10:03 AM