Don't fall for the "Firteekwid" rip-off, you'll save 85%

It's the law of suburbia that every job requiring the intervention of a tradesman will cost a thousand pounds. "Agraaand".

'Decking? Coorse, sir. I can do that for "Agraaand!'"

'Barffrum? Nah problem. "Agraaand!". Coorse, that won't be including yer ficts-stures and fittins. New bath plug? "Agraaaand!"'

And so on.

But further down the food chain I've spotted a new trend - welcome to the new world order of "Firteekwid".

Last week after a peculiar incident with some nail varnish remover and some pliers, my car key melted. I nipped down to the key cutting man, explained my predicament and enquired whether he could cut me a new key.

'Nah problem, sir. I can do that. "Firteekwid!"'

'Thirty pounds!? But it's just a key! A key that, as it happens, is slightly less long than my little finger!'

There followed an exchange about a microchip for the immobiliser system that my car doesn't have and I stomped off, thirty pounds in my pocket but with little prospect of driving my car in the near future.

Then a couple of days later after a peculiar incident with an umbrella and a newspaper, my mobile phone battery ended up down a drain. I nipped down to the mobile phone shop, explained my predicament and enquired whether a replacement could be arranged.

'Nah problem, sir. "Firteekwid!".'

'OK, what about a cord to transfer photos from the phone to a computer?'

'Nah problem, sir. "Firteekwid"'.

Now, I've seen the drunk man outside Earl's Court tube station who sells two packs of batteries for a pound so I knew it was time to shop around.

I logged on to eBay. Got a new phone battery for a fiver from someone who has 27,000 positive feedbacks - surely trustworthy. And I got the cord for four pounds, both including postage.

A saving of fifteewunpaands. Or 85% off. (I think that's right).

Regular readers will know I'm not a fan of the High Street. Now I wonder how long it can survive.

But the real question is this. As Government inflation figures clearly no longer include the prices of things that go up, what else is now a mere "Firteekwid"?

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